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Monday, February 10, 2014

Nick Nick

Quiz of the day... complete this title of a Jim Davidson show...



What is the final word?

Did you guess 'Boring'?

Then you are correct, sir. Well done, pat yourself on your non-prejudiced back.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Dutch courage

“We need alcohol to function, that's the disadvantage of chronic alcoholism,” the 45-year-old said.

The Independent – 20 November 2013

Turns out those canny Dutch are putting their alcoholics to work - and paying them in beer.  Talk about cutting out the middle man. Also, thanks to the Indpendent for this story - else I might never have known what possible disadvantage there could be to chronic alcoholism.

So instead... krokodil!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Another fine crime you've got me into

Stan Laurel in sinister criminal past shock…


Incidentally, this is totally ok for me to joke about, because I allegedly look just like Stan Laurel. It's like black people using 'the n word' right?

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

So the winner of Miss America this year is of Indian descent.

Needless to say, thanks to the wonders of twitter this brought a bubbling up of unpleasantness from the nation’s murky depths.

So far, so predictable.

The question is why newspapers see fit to report the witterings of wankers on Twitter and other social networks. These aren’t peer reviewed papers, they’s hastily and (in my case anyway) drunkenly scrawled messages on a digital whiteboard.  You might as well just go down to the local pub and write your story about things you overheard at the bar.

 Miss America has risen above it all though. Top lass.

Also, she is keen to shake off the stereotypes of Indians. She’s using her money to go to medical school.

Well, it was that or grow a moustache and start driving a taxi I guess.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Footballer protests immigration by becoming immigrant

It seems that celebrity testicle-grasper Vinnie Jones has declared himself fed up with immigrants in Britain.

He made the announcement from his home. In Los Angeles.

Showing a keen grasp of geography, he said, “It’s not the country I grew up in. It’s a European country now,” presumably referring to the nation’s previous, little-advertised status as part of Latin America.

Common objections to immigration often refer to a failure of new arrivals to assimilate with the culture and habits of the host nation. On this issue, Jones stated, ““I get my Walkers crisps delivered once a month. I have a box of Roast Chicken, a box of Salt and Vinegar, and a box of Monster Munch... and there’s more Premier League football on TV there than there is here.”

You're an asset to any nation, Vinnie.

Although you were a rubbish and strangely rubbery Juggernaut.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Of mice and other mice in charge of the first mice.

Look out Katie Hopkins, there’s a new contender for the role of Fearless Baiter of Political Correctness (more properly known as ‘Massive Twat’).

Mr Godfrey Bloom, UKIP MEP famed for such elegant phrases as ‘bongo bongo land’ appears to be possessed by the spirit of a sweaty 1970’s comedian.

He had declared, ‘“Men and women care about different things on a micro-scale. Leaving the lavatory seat up, wet towels on the bed and the top left off the toothpaste will drive a wife made. A man simply cannot understand what the problem is.” 

And men won’t ask for directions and women always have a headache at ‘that time’. Am I right guys? Take my wife. Please.

Mr Bloom is one of the breed of commentator who seem to think ‘telling it like it is’ is exactly the same thing as ‘being rude’ (*ahem* Clarkson *cough*).

Ironically, these often appear to be the same types who view themselves as the embodiment of an old-fashioned Britain where politeness was first among the virtues.

He also conveniently encapsulates one of my primary problems with all politicians and most journalists – a total lack of interest in evidence.

Had Mr Bloom pointed to a selection of peer-reviewed studies informing us that women never fill their cars with petrol, because they view that as a man’s job, it would be difficult to contest. Although it would make us wonder how any single ladies manage to get to work in the morning – but of course, what are they doing working anyway eh?

But no, happy relation of ‘how things are’ with no references whatsoever is once again sufficient to fill the column inches required by a content-hungry media. Which is ok, if undesirable in media commentators, but rather more worrying in our legislators.

If they are making their voting decisions on an ‘I reckon’ based solely on the experience of their peers, then it’s no wonder that many people agitate for a more diverse political class.

But the thing is this – we shouldn’t need a more diverse political class – just one that is capable of reading and understanding real evidence.

That’s evidence, note, not polling data.

Of course, that’s far more challenging than just assuming life in their particular part of the national Venn diagram is representative of the whole. And it might involve convincing voters of this self-same point and the consequent need to solve problems that may not be visible to the average voter.

In other words, that would require leadership.

Don't hold you breath.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

A lifetime of law enforcement experience speaks...

So some dude in Michigan has survived being hit straight on by a train going over a hundred miles an hour.

John Boyd of LaPorte County Police is not a man to be fazed by remarkable situations though. He's seen things. And so he provides us eager news junkies with the kind of insight that simply cannot be taught.

"It was absolutely amazing,” he went on to tell NBC Chicago. “I’ve seen a number of people get hit by trains and it’s never a good thing."